Choking Phenomena

Im sittin here at starbucks, and after choking on a tall cup of pike place with a lot of sugar and milk and nutmeg; realized something........

I am afraid of failure.


That sentence may make you laugh but it is true very true indeed. I am just so used to having it set up for me ( to fail) that it happens and then the whole thing starts over again and its driving me crazy! its like i am not suppose to be anything. I mean what am i doing wrong? i need advice i need faith i need to not stop trying right? this just inclines me to keep going. silly huh? i sit waiting for the phone to ring and lookin out the window inhaling the coffee. its very intoxicating. my friends say i have issues but its alright . i know i do lol but at the same time do i cause my problems? its like u do what you think is right based on wat has happened and you try to help yourself before you help the whole world its not looking good at all. lol i want to scream and give up so very bad but is it wrong to just be a little something? i mean to tell you the truth i really just want to be a trader. wall street is nice.
lol a firm 9-5 is cool. and people like me have it harder than the people who actually have the big dreams. things happens to them oh so sudden and all of those hard working qualities and experiences work out and pay off. what about us? we are slightly above the lil people but not at the big people. I walk and pray i stare and pray i sleep and pray . i guess a sign will come when he wants it too not when Jennifer wants it too ( i hope soon) i dont wanna go idk what i would do if this ever would change AGAIN. I really want to do good and wat some people are sayin is good is their way of good not the right way. I think they know that or dont want to admit it or dont noe. I wont stay to find out.

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